It is 2:20 pm on the 15 August and I am at our local hospital waiting for some blood tests to be carried out. In my heart, I am hoping that after today's tests, I will be informed that I will not need them for another year.
In my head is another story. I am thinking back to exactly a year ago today, 15 August 2012, and how much I was looking forward to a friend's visit. Our friendship spans 38 years and throughout that time we have shared much joy and sometimes sadness; we have watched each other grow through motherhood and latterly, my becoming a grandmother.
During her visit, I confided in her about a personal matter that was troubling me. I remember being a little shocked by her immediate response but felt I needed time to reflect on her reaction. Her support on the matter was not how I had expected it to be, especially because she had been through a similar experience herself. The rest of the visit passed most pleasurably and she thoroughly enjoyed seeing all my family. I dropped her off at our local railway station and we parted, as always, the best of friends.
Moving on through this year, we continued to email and speak on the telephone whenever possible. She still stood firm on her viewpoint and I didn't let it affect our friendship... that is, until... during our last conversation in June she said something so hurtful and painful to me that we haven't spoken since. She has not apologised to me and as time has elapsed, I guess she never will.
As I am sitting here, I am thinking about loss. The loss of a friendship that means so much to me. The difficulty this division has made to our mutual friends. I am hoping that by writing this down the hurt in my heart will lessen. There doesn't seem any possible way back now. Forgiveness is one thing, but I don't seem able to forget. It's a new sensation for me. Throughout my life, I have been able to accept that sometimes that's the way life is and moved on accordingly. I wish I could forget.
I think that Henri Nouwen, a Dutch Clergyman, explains friendship more succinctly
'When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender heart.'
Although I am rather late joining in with Simply a Moment, I am grateful to Alexa over at Trimming the Sails to have this monthly opportunity to record this very personal Moment.